A friend of mine just sent me email that said they were getting ready to have "The Talk" with their kid. It seems the kid saw "The Puberty" film last week in school and now the parent is gearing up rather quickly to answer a lot of questions. This parent, turned to Amazon.com and spent around $175 on books to help with the subject.
It made me reflect on my own life and brought up two things for me: a memory and a discussion point.
The memory is from when my dad had The Talk with me. I remember it well, we were in Conroe (near Houston for the 3 of you not from Texas who read my blog). At that point in time there were a couple of guys in Houston that had just been caught and were being tried for a serial crime spree where they abducted boys, molested them and buried them in shallow graves. I was about 12 or 13. Dad's talk said "if you masturbate, you will end up like Wayne Henly."
Now by the time I was that old, I have to admit I was familiar with the process. Very familiar. But I wasn't a serial killer. I instantly concluded that my dad was wrong, and he lost all credibility on the subject of sex.
The discussion point is that I am again the expert, since I don't have any kids. It seems to me that I will probably never have to have this talk with any offspring (remember, the chemotherapy was supposed to have killed all my swimmers). So I hope that you will take the above story and learn from it's lesson: 1) don't lie to your kid about sex. Don't offer simple platitudes, and never boil it down to the claim that there is something wrong with it. 2) it's likely that your kid has already been exposed to sex and or sex talk at school or on the playground, or wherever from his/her peers. Don't assume they know nothing, don't assume they have the right answers, either. Be frank, open and honest. 3) I don't know if I'm a normal kid or not, as I talk to my friends, I think I may have started early, but there are other people out there who start early too. Some of them may be your kids. Don't be creepy, but do be the go-to person for answers.
I'm not sure if $175 worth of books on the subject is a good thing. for my friend it may be exactly the right thing. Who knows. The key is to start the discussions early and often. If the books help, then so be it.
p.s. if you happen to think I'm talking about you, and you know who you are, then I must be 
good luck!
3 Comments
I got my children fixed! No "talk", no surprises! (Of course, they are cats.)
youve made me scared to meet your dad…and though i never had the talk with mine, i prefer the silent treatment over scare tactics. wish i were there fur hugs.
I often joke about the fact that my folks never gave me "THE Talk," but thinking back, that's not really fair. My parents were more than happy to let my school tell us the mechanics. I went to a church school and so they informed the parents exactly what we were going to be told and then they asked for permission slips. When I got home from school, my mom just asked if I had any questions.
So, we never had "THE Talk"–we just talked. My parents and I had a pretty open relationship and talked about everything. Oh, we had problems to be sure, serious problems. but I knew they loved me and so I felt I could trust them when it came to the big stuff. So, although they were hesitant to bring up the subject, once it was out there we talked about it. It never occurred to me to ask anyone else when I had a question.
And I that is the important thing–talking. I agree you shouldn't assume what your kids know and don't know–you should know what they know. And if you don't know, ask.
Because if you don't have the kind of relationship where you can talk about anything and everything by the time your child is 11 or 12, you better get one quick. Numerous studies on children's attitudes about sex, school, drugs, smoking, etc. have found that if a child does not have a close relationship with their parents then by the time they are 14, their primary influence is their peer group (i.e. the blind leading the blind). And it is very difficult to establish a relationship after puberty. It's possible, of course, but it takes a lot of time and prayer to do it.
So long before it's time to talk to your kids about sex, you need to talk to your kids about life, the universe, and everything. Although, I thought the movie HOOK (1991) was mostly dumb, there was one line that always stuck with me. There is a scene where the grown Peter Pan's wife is confronting him about being a workaholic and never being there for the kids. She says, "Your children love you, they want to play with you. How long do you think that lasts? … We have a few special years with our children, when they're the ones that want us around. After that you're going to be running after them for a bit of attention."
[BTW, as for getting books on the subject--go ahead, get a whole library. Because when your kids do ask questions, you'll need to know what--and how--to tell them. Also, you will teach them an important skill--When in doubt, do more Research!]